Shans Happy Wife

I'm so happy to find A place where I'm able to connect and tell others about"My Stuff".
Loving all things beautiful,decorating my home, visiting with those we love,& sometimes sharing small bits of our life.
In blog land I'm understood. Enjoy your time spent here.
Btw If you are a follower & I haven't returned the favor please shoot me a quick email I will rectify that asap!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Change...Me & Dad

I was excited about the New Year and all the promises that it held. New things I wanted to do in my life, a  renewal of sorts but sometimes the spirits have other plans for us. This last week has been a total blur.
Christmas Shan and I spent the holiday alone because the kids decided at the last minute not to come having either fallen in love or wanted to celebrate with their granma and that was OK with me they are older and its just life so we exchanged gifts and spent some "us" time.
December 30 was my birthday and I turned 39 years old I still don't know how to feel about that. I remember all that day I kept staring in the mirror looking for signs of change well lets just say that the gray hair is filling in quite nicely.
The day after my birthday I was told my father had a stroke then two days later he was gone. Totally unexpected.
I spent New Years with Shan and my favorite aunt grieving for all that was and all that was supposed to be. My father must have known something wasn't right because he sat down the week before and hand wrote all five of his children a letter. It soothed my heart but it didn't take away the weird feeling that I have, like I'm walking in air with nothing to hold on to. I cant put the letter down and I refuse to throw away the envelope it just doesn't seem right. I have been carrying it everywhere I go I wont let it leave my side. I even taped it all back together and I keep smelling it just trying to catch even the slightest scent of him."I want my Daddy".
Nothing in my life feels the same.I feel alone, and re-evaluating every aspect of my life. I'm trying to regroup. I know this place I'm in isn't a forever thing its just hard.
We haven't had the funeral that wont be till Wednesday but how do I do normal until then?
Mark I even went back to see what comments I left you during your loss trying to see what I would say to myself and nothing fit.
Shan has been silent in the background, there when I break but staying out of the way  I appreciate this cause I'm not a nice person right now and my emotions are everywhere coping is difficult.
Pray for me if you would.

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